Thinking and feeling and loving

When I was a drunk, I didn’t do much thinking.

I acted on impulse most of the time. I was anything but introspective. I never thought about consequences, and I got in loads of trouble as a result.

I simply didn’t care enough about anything to examine it or try to understand it. Especially if it had to do with anyone else’s feelings.

And as far as loving someone too much…

Well… there wasn’t much chance of that happening. I didn’t love anyone. My heart didn’t function at all. It was like this big, hard, cold hunk of cement stuck in my chest.

I didn’t give a rat’s ass about anyone or anything. If I acted like I cared, it was probably because I wanted something from you. I cared only about myself. And yet, deep down inside, I hated myself, too.

I haven’t had a drink in over 16 years now.

I’ve done a heckuvalotta work since that last drink. My perspective about life has changed in amazing, profound ways.

I take responsibility today for more than I ever thought I would. I’ve made things right with people I had wronged. I’ve become much more honest. I’m not “there” yet -- not even close. But I’ve grown spiritually, and I have a relationship with God that works for me. I know that counts for much.

I genuinely value things today that I never thought I could ever possibly care about – friends, family, career, my home, my health, my education, my well-being, and my serenity -- just to name a few.

Today, there are people in my life who I genuinely love and value. And I gotta admit it – it feels amazing to be able to love another human being.

Feeling, and thinking, and loving, and interacting with others are precious gifts of sobriety for me. Gifts I never even expected to receive, but on which I place a tremendous amount of value.

It’s good to think, and feel, and love.

If someone tells me to stop thinking, or stop feeling, or stop questioning, or stop examining, well… I’m not sure that person has my best interests at heart. In fact, I'd go so far to say that it would feel a little controlling and suppressive.

I don’t want to stop doing those things. In fact, I want to get better at doing those things.

If someone tells me I’m taking a relationship too seriously, perhaps it means they aren’t taking it seriously at all.

Food for thought…

Karen