Letting go of whatever isn't working

One of my goals in sobriety has been to learn how to let go of whatever isn’t working.

Throughout my life, I admit, on occasion, I've clung to things—relationships, employment situations, activities and long-range plans—that either no longer work or never worked well from the get-go. Sometimes, I have refused to let go long past the point of rationality and sanity.

These episodes have been my unhealthy and misguided attempts at self-preservation and survival.

I think it would have been nice if I had learned at a young age that everything will be okay, that life will unfold as intended, and that God has not left me with the task of universe-management.

It would have been nice, but that’s not what happened.

I stopped trusting when I was… oh, about 10, I suppose.

I decided very early on that other humans were inadequately equipped to care for my well-being. That job, I concluded, would rest solely with me. I learned to take control and fight for what I thought was best for me.

With each passing year and each bitter disappointment, that early conclusion became solidified in my heart. I learned to trust less and less. Instead, I relied heavily on my own judgment and abilities. Whenever I failed at a relationship, a job, or any other pursuit, I simply tried harder.

I can look back now and see that the more I failed the harder I tried, and the more I tried the more I failed… ad naseum.

Through AA, I am learning to trust God…

…rather than relying solely on my fellow earthlings or myself. Little by little, I’m letting loose of those old self-preservation tactics, including my habit of clinging to what I think I need in order to survive. I'm learning to watch how God brings me through difficulties and works things out for the better.

Today, I think I can let go.

I don’t need to cling to whatever isn't working. I can let it fall through my fingers like sand. And I can stand here, today, free.