I'm lucky to know them at all

I think I've figured it out.

It's all about relationships. Connecting with other humanoids. I’ve come to understand that everything revolves around interacting with others.

That's why I am sober today—so I can connect with people.

It was impossible to interact with anyone on any meaningful level when I was drunk. I hated everyone, especially myself. I was completely dishonest and fake. I was a supreme bullshit artist. No one could depend on me for friendship or loyalty.

If you were to ask me 16 years ago if relationships were important to me, I'd probably look at you with glazed-over eyes. I wouldn't know what you meant, exactly. I'd ask something like, "Waddaya mean, relationships? You mean like sex or something? Or... what?" I would have been genuinely baffled.

That’s because I truly had no connections with other people, so I didn't have anything much to go on. I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to spend time with me, and I sure as shit didn't want to spend time with them.

Now, there are plenty of obvious benefits to being sober.

I can function now like a healthy, responsible adult. I can contribute to society. I can work and accomplish my goals. I can do things—you know, weekend things, like normal people do—like go to movies or visit with friends. I can maintain my home, my finances, my physical appearance, and my behavior. Lots of obvious benefits. Things I absolutely could not do as a drunk.

But clearly, the most astounding and important benefit of sobriety is that I am now able to have real live relationships with people. I can walk among others here on Planet Earth and interact with them in a sane, meaningful way.

Today relationships are precious to me.

I mean, what else is there after all is said and done?

If I found myself stretched out on my deathbed this evening, pondering my last ponders, replaying the video of my life, wrapping things up for myself spiritually—what would I consider was genuinely precious? What did I experience that nobody else on Planet Earth experienced? What can I say I truly owned?

My unique relationship with YOU. That's what.

Nobody else's relationship with you is like the one you and I share. Nobody knows you exactly the way I do. Nobody feels exactly the same way about you as I do. Nobody has experienced you exactly the way I have.

How precious is that?!

I suffer tremendously when a relationship ends.

I find separation—especially permanent separation—severely painful. But I've come to understand that it happens, and I survive. Wounded, bruised, and battered emotionally... but better off in the end for having the connection in the first place.

"Arthur" is one of my all-time favorite movies. In it, Dudley Moore plays an adorable, infuriating drunk. Mourning the death of his dear friend and personal valet, Hobson (John Gielgud), Arthur says these words that I've never forgotten: "I was lucky to have known him at all."

That's how I feel about people today.

How amazing that one path crosses another. What are the odds? The people who come into my life and the unique interactions I get to experience with them are amazingly precious to me. I'm lucky to know them at all.

I don't avoid friendships today simply because they appear to be "doomed from the start." I am aware that, from time to time, I tend to connect with someone in a way that I realize must end someday. But I'm in it for the experience, the moments, and the memories. I'm a gamer—I'll see it through. I know the risks, and I'll take the plunge. I'll enjoy it while it lasts, and then I'll mourn it when it ends. Count me in, and enjoy me while you can, as I will you.

Anyway... bottom line... I've discovered it's all about connecting with others. I’m lucky to know them at all.

Karen