All I need is the air that I breathe...

... And To Love You.

I've been thinking a lot this evening about of how much I need certain people in my life. The concept alone makes me uneasy, probably because there's some fear there. Somewhere along the line, my magnificent brain concluded that "needing someone" is the same as "being needy." Intellectually, I'm aware that those are two different concepts. But the issue is still an uncomfortable one for me emotionally. I still tend to get all tangled up when it comes to matters of trust.

I used to claim I didn't need anyone or anything. I trusted no one and dependend on no one for nuthin'. But that's no longer true. I'm surprised at how much I've let my guard down in recent years. And no matter how hard I try not to, once I connect with someone emotionally, it's inevitable that I begin to feel a stronger and stronger need for that person at some point.

Need for them to do what, you might ask?

Well, I don't know, I guess to need me back. To let me get close. To reciprocate. To share experience and adventures with me. To share life with me.

The thing about needing someone is the chance that my longings will go unrequited and ultimately become painful. People can't be expected to meet one another's needs. I wasn't able to meet my ex-husband's needs -- he's told me so. I would often see the frustration and hurt in his eyes. Likewise, when I long to be close to someone who doesn't reciprocate those feelings, that person probably detects my frustration as well.

It's always better, I think, to have no expectations of anyone. That's the only way I know how to avoid painful disappointment.

But love trumps all that logic.

When I care deeply for someone, I need them. Apparently, I can't help it.

Maybe I shouldn't care so much?

No, that can't be the right answer. I've come so far. I used to be such a miserable, hateful, unhappy person. I have worked hard -- and continue to work hard -- to be the kind of person who is capable of loving others and being loved.

With love comes risk.

*sigh* That's about a philosophical as I'm going to get tonight.

Karen