About self-discipline

I admit it – I never learned how to rein myself in. Discipline has always been other-imposed, never self-imposed. Somewhere along the line, I missed the class about how to practice restraint.

I typically learn the hard way. I usually don’t learn from the mistakes of others, nor even from my own. I don’t heed well-meaning advice nearly often enough.

I dangle my toes over the edges of precarious cliffs at every turn. I take unnecessary, stupid chances. I push my luck.

(If you’re hoping for a few juicy examples… be patient and keep reading.)

This has been going on all my life. I’m 53 fricken years old now, and I’m still doing it. Not as often… but does that matter? How many tumbles off a steep cliff does it take to destroy a person?

And what makes the problem worse is…

I’m curious as hell about all sorts of things. I forever want to know what’s right around the next corner. I’m restless and discontent. I’m easily bored. I'm obsessive, too, so when I get fixated on something, all hell breaks loose. I become completely blinded to consequences.

My friend, Tom, has a lovely wife named Debby. Debby told me once that Tom is forever seeking that “edgy experience.” I think she meant he needs to feel the rush. He can’t be satisfied with mere hum-drum comforts of life.

Well, I’m pretty sure I’m the same way. I thrive on the edge of discovery. (On the edge of disaster might be better way to put it.)

Please – Don’t Shoot!

I’m not saying I seek drama, because I don’t. Nor am I looking for trouble. I hate the consequences of my stupid actions. I don’t want to get caught. I’m not one of those who takes risk for attention or notoriety.

I simply take everything to the limit. I crave challenge. The only reason I “test fate” is because fate stands in the way of my most current obsession.

I want experience for the sake of the experience. I want to feel something that I’ve never felt before.

Oh yeah? PROVE IT.

OK, so you want examples of my unbridled behavior? Hmmm... well, at the advice of my friend, Brian, I better be careful about what I share with the whole world on the internet. So... sorry, but you'll have to rely on your imagination.

Karen! Who are you??

This admission comes as a shock to many who know me. They see me as this level-headed, conservative, responsible, talented, friendly, spiritually-minded chubby old lady who loves piano and dogs, prays a lot, roots for the San Francisco Giants, and helps drunks recover from alcoholism.

But, “I’m not that kind of angel” (with apologies to John Travolta). The truth is, I have to constantly work to be those things. If I stop being those things, then I’m afraid I’ll simply destroy myself.

Conclusion

Maybe, someday when I grow up, I’ll know how to practice self-discipline. Until then, I desperately need God in my life.

Karen